Dear Bread People,
What is wrong with you? Making bread is what you do.
What do I do? I eat bread. And, up until recently I ate your bread, in particular, your rosemary onion focaccia bread.
But, yesterday, I was told that you don’t make rosemary onion focaccia anymore. The counter girl told me this, and I do mean “girl”—do you hire children who should be in elementary school instead of at your cash register? Anyway, this fourth grader told me you have a “new” focaccia that is “healthier” for me.
What business is it of yours whether I’m healthy or not?? If that were a priority, I wouldn’t be coming to a bread store in the first place. Look around, bread people! Obesity is all the rage. Your customers are not size two. If we could be healthy, we would be. We’ve all collectively given up our seat on that miserable train, including your manager by the way—I ran into him at Bob’s Big Boy shop.
Your new “healthier” focaccia tastes like cardboard. I could toast the next box from UPS for the same texture and flavor. Come to think of it—there’s a delivery scheduled for tomorrow.
This is what is wrong with America. Wagging fingers everywhere. I fear a galactic smackdown is coming to nations of finger-waggers. It’s simple: righteousness doesn’t taste good nor contribute to world peace, OK?
May I suggest you get into “greening” your company instead of messing with my Portobello & Mozzarella sandwich bread? If you absolutely want a corporate clean conscience, couldn’t you hire an environmental consultant instead of that dreary dietician? I’m sure baking bread contributes to those nasty green house gases one way or another. You wouldn’t be angering loyal customers and losing our money if you were lessening your carbon footprint by managing electrical energy more efficiently or exploring alternative refrigerants. Did Al Gore take the low-fat highway to the Nobel Prize? Case closed.
In conclusion, let me make one last suggestion: If you don’t want to go “green” with your corporate kitchens, couldn’t Bread People at least think a little more like Big Tobacco people? Their product has warning labels on each pack: “according to the Surgeon General of the United States of America, tobacco causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy”—and, still, world-wide demand for it is growing! Think about it. You could actually increase profits and demand for your product by labeling it: “WARNING! PRODUCES FAT PEOPLE.”
Fire all finger-waggers pronto and hire people who smoke. They’ll know how to market health risks and increase market share.
Very sincerely,
Pat Coakley
